WHAT IS TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP?

WHAT IS TRUST?

Trust is both and emotional and
logical act. Emotionally, it is where
you expose your vulnerabilities to
people, but believing they will not
take advantage of your openness.
Logically, it is where you have
assessed the probabilities of gain
and loss, calculating expected utility
based on hard performance data,
and concluded that the person in
question will behave in a
predictable manner. In practice,
trust is a bit of both. I trust you
because I have experienced your
trustworthiness and because I have
faith in human nature.
We feel trust. Emotions associated
with trust include companionship,
friendship, love, agreement,
relaxation, comfort.
There are a number of different ways
we can define trust. Here are the
dimensions of trust and consequent
definitions.

Predictability
It is a normal part of the human
condition to be constantly
forecasting ahead. We build internal
models of the world based both on
our experiences and what others tell
us, and then use these to guess
what will happen next. This allows
us to spot and prepare for threats
and also make plans to achieve our
longer-term goals.
The greatest unpredictability is at
50%; a reliable enemy can be
preferable to an unpredictable
friend, as at least we know where we
are with them.
Definition 1 : Trust means being able
to predict what other people will do
and what situations will occur. If we
can surround ourselves with people
we trust, then we can create a safe
present and an even better future.
Value exchange
Most of what we do with other
people is based around exchange,
which is the basis for all businesses
as well as simple relationships. At
its simplest, it is exchange of goods.
I will swap you two sheep for one
cow. It is easy to calculate the value
in such material bargaining. Things
get more complex when less tangible
forces come into play. A parent
exchanges attention for love. A
company exchanges not only pay but
good working conditions for the
intellectual and manual efforts of its
workforce.
Value exchange works because we
each value things differently. If I
have a whole flock of sheep but no
milk, then I can do business with a
person who has a herd of cows but
no clothes. This principle of
reciprocity is what binds societies
together.
Trust in value exchange occurs when
we do not know fully whether what
we are receiving is what we expect.
When we buy a car, don’t want to be
sold a ringer which the seller knows
is faulty. When I get advice in
business, I want it to be based on
facts, not wild opinions.

Definition 2 : Trust means making an
exchange with someone when you do
not have full knowledge about them,
their intent and the things they are
offering to you.

Delayed reciprocity
Exchange is not just about an
immediate swapping of cows and
sheep or hugs and kisses. What
makes companies and societies really
work is that something is given now,
but the return is paid back some
time in the future. The advantage of
this is that we can create a more
flexible environment, where you can
get what you need when you need
it, rather than having to save up for
it.
Trust now becomes particularly
important, because otherwise we are
giving something for nothing. The
delay we have placed in the
reciprocal arrangement adds a high
level of uncertainty which we need
to mitigate through trust.
What is often called the ‘golden
rule’ is a simple formula for creating
trust. ‘Do unto others as you would
have them do unto you.’ It sets up
the dynamic for my giving you
something now with the hope of
getting back some unspecified thing
in the indeterminate future.

Definition 3 : Trust means giving
something now with an expectation
that it will be repaid, possibly in
some unspecified way at some
unspecified time in the future.
Exposed vulnerabilities
When we trust other people, we may
not only be giving them something
in hope of getting something else
back in the future, we may also be
exposing ourselves in a way that
they can take advantage of our
vulnerabilities. If I buy a car from
you and I do not know a good price,
you can lie to me so you get a
better bargain. If I tell you in
confidence about the problems I am
having with work, you could use this
to further your own career at my
expense.
Although the threat of retribution or
projected feelings of guilt can
counteract your temptation to abuse
my exposed vulnerabilities, if you
succumb I still get hurt and may
still end up with the shorter stick.
For our transaction to complete
successfully, I must be able to trust
that such agonies will not come to
pass.

Definition 4 : Trust means enabling
other people to take advantage of
your vulnerabilities—but expecting
that they will not do this.
So what?
So learn about trust, how it works
and how to build it. If you do it
well, other people will give you the
earth. If you betray them, they will
hunt you to the ends of the earth.